Day 30 Eid Mubarak

Day 30: Eid Mubarak 

I sailed through the day yesterday, in a way that was tinged with a little sadness. I've really enjoyed my journey. Day 30 turns out to be Eid and so the 30th fast is not happening... 

For me I don't know what comes next. Do any if us?

I'm working on one day at a time... I'm going to read Eid namaz if I manage to get up for it...I hope so, I've not slept! It's 0600 nearly. 

I've read fajr with 10-15 mins to spare. I was awake so felt the urge to do so! It's a nice feeling to have that urge...

I missed tarawi and tahujud but hey it'll come again I hope!

There's nothing much more to say except I come away from Ramadan a more enriched man, I can't be thankful enough for that... I might have said it already but there's nothing wrong in saying it again!

So, where do I see myself going?  I've got no idea... What does the future hold? I've got no idea? Do any of us? 

I just want to say Eid Mubarak and I wish you a safe, happy and prosperous life... This will be the last entry of this diary but I might start another because I have things to say... Whether anyone will be interested or not is another story... Ill post a link if I do... 

Take care, live well, be true and sincere.

Jazakallah khair

Day 29

Day 29

Wow...it's not often I use such words, if you can call them words... I guess it is but it's a recent addition to the language. No matter, I digress...

I began this at 0400, I then got into a conversation. Which kept me occupied. Again I digress.  

This is, I think, the penultimate post regarding my thoughts and feelings about this month, I best make it a good one! I will look back and be able to recollect with vivid accuracy!

God I'm wordy ain't I? A gobby sunva! (That's my addition to the new text chat)

If you haven't guessed already, I'm happy, I'm chatty. I'm relaxed... I've looked inwards all month, I questioned, sought answers, question some more and found the answers and then some. 

I've examined my soul under a microscope, there are things I didn't like, there are things that I compromised on, there are things I warm to!

I'm elated because the beautiful Quran was finished last night in tarawi, it sealed what has been a fantastic journey for me. 30 nights of tarawi each of 20 rakat...I've never done that. I heard every word of the Quran recited...into my ears, and etched onto my heart and soul. 

The recitation of it was beautiful and I'm very very grateful for it! It is approx 60 hours of mosque time which include isha prayers and some waiting. 600 rakat of tarawi 90 Witr, 80 tahujud, and praying 5 times a day. Farz, sunnat and nafil, I think I might have missed a few sunnat and nafil out but I'm extremely happy I have achieved it. Not to mention 29 fasts and 0 missed! 

I don't mean to brag but I'm just documenting what I've done. Why? This is my diary that's why! 

I'm extremely grateful for the support I received from my nephews, and wider family because without their support it would have been a greater mountain to climb.  

I was reminded by a friend that at the beginning I said to them I'm going to take it a day at a time. I wasn't sure I would stick to it, 18 hour long fasts, not practised for quite sometime, I prayed on laylatul Qadr too, whichever night it was because I prayed on every night...I'm ecstatic about that... I'm not singing my praises I'm reminding myself so that in future I will observe Ramadan.  

There is one proviso...laylatul Qadr is the night when the almighty decides, who lives, who dies...if I die then I won't be able to fast...I hope I don't because I would like to do umra and hajj. I'd like to go to Jerusalem too. I used to make a point of praying namaz in a mosque wherever I'd be in the world, it kind of fizzled out a few trips back. I'd like to reinstate that...

Islam is alive and well in my heart! 

Moving forward what now? 

Well, I'm going to take it a day at a time... No pressure, just see how it goes!

The practice of non practice is not a practice I will continue to practice, moreover I will continue to practice but not preach but practice until I find the practice not practice but a part of my life just as is breathing...

(Sorry about the wordplay)

Combining practice in everyday life is the way forward for me. I have challenges, it mightn't be as easy as it turned out to be this Ramadan, and believe me it wasn't that easy. Just last night I was in real pain, my right foot, ankle and then entire leg was aching badly by the time it was fajr. A couple of cocodamol a good rest and it's better.

What more is there to add? I think I've said what I've needed I guess. 

It's been a wonderful journey of rediscovery for me. I've reconnected with a side of myself that I'd neglected for quite some time, I do regret that. It's highlighted what I've been missing. There's peace, comfort and security in Islam of a sought one does not find in anything materialistic or scientifically tangible. It's a state of mind, and if your minds in a state, then it's a way to reconfigure oneself and ones priorities! 

I had my priorities but maybe not in the right order! The same can be said about the majority of people, whichever faith they might be or not as the case may be!  I'm playing with words again just so I don't read as droll when I read it back! I can't possibly influence your thoughts and opinion on that which I've experienced, you make of it what you think. I hope you get something positive from it. Oh by the way, I said to that friend...

"Hope is the position of the bereft or disenfranchised"

I actually think, is it really? It was a statement to provoke a reaction... What do you think?

I always hoped I'd be practising again, and with the grace of Allah SWT I have, this diary, family and friends can bear witness to that! 

I'm neither bereft or disenfranchised! 

It's the opposite...

"Despair is the position of the bereft and or disenfranchised"

Day 28

Day 28

Having prayed tahujud for possibly the penultimate time this year in a mosque, I feel a slight sense of sadness. The reason being is I've come to really find peace of a sought that one cannot find elsewhere. It's really soothing, relaxing and enriching. 

Listening to Surah's being recited so wonderfully and in darkness, in a congregation at prayer is something that every muslim should experience at least once in their life. 

I'm going to miss Ramadan because of the rigorous assault on the soul. I've found it to be so for me. It's reset my spiritual being. 

I remember missing a meal and been shaking with hunger in the past when I've been so busy, I've not had that during Ramadan. Yes I've not exerted myself to breaking point but the vigour and intensity of exertion is not the objective. It's vigorous exertion of the soul. It's attending to the internal needs not the physical. 

Trying to maintain a sense of calmness and peace during this month is easy once my attitude was foregone. Let others do as they like, don't let them ruin my month. I've not let my fears and anxieties get the better of me, I've strengthened my resolve. 

I acknowledge that I've no idea whether the next step is going to work or not. I've no cast iron guarantee of a new path appearing or whether I'm going to be hacking away blindly in a jingle for some time yet.!

I've been led a merry dance in one way shape or form for a considerable time. It's taken me patience, strength of conviction and a certain amount of gung ho attitude to deal with the unpredictable nature of various situations. Once I had the measure of a situation from root to tip, I acknowledged that there were facets beyond my control, why worry about them. 

Ramadan came at exactly the right time for me, my physical being had dealt with my physical situation, and then it was time to focus on the spiritual.

Returning to the physical i find myself better equipped to manage any potential pitfalls or setbacks in a calm and strategic manner.

My conscience is clear, my intention is sincere, I have the ability to prevail. It will only happen if Allah SWT wills it to be so. 

I've had logic, intelligence and strategic planning in place before and it hasn't worked out. That's because of factors that were not of my doing, but the hearts and intentions of particular stakeholders have become apparent and I know exactly what I can and cannot do if I were to continue in the same manner.

Some breaks are best left broken and thats how I think as of now! Something very good for me happened, I made the right decision based on my judgement, I then turned  away from the physical and focused on my internal. I reinforced my spirit and increased my faith. Again I'm extremely grateful to Allah SWT for bringing me back to focus on my faith and I can find renewed strength in beginning again!

Day 27

Day 27

After praying on the eve of the 27th, which is Latlatul Qadr I've been privileged to be a part of my faith once more.  I always had it in my heart but getting back here was a leap of faith that I'd previously thought was a big ask. Even up till last night or early yesterday I was worried about messing up. But Allah guides whomsoever he pleases!

During praying tahujud tonight, with company, in darkness I felt gratitude.  Overwhelming gratitude and thankfulness for the opportunity to begin making amends. Again I'd like to stress I have not been completely awry as a man but many many small sins and quite a few howlers had set me on a path that is contrary to Islamic teaching. 

Tonight I felt remorse for missing out on so much, for not adhering sooner, I repented for my wrongs, because I was not doing as is expected. I have lived a life on a track that was not correct but I remained hopeful that one day the lord almighty will allow me back as I wanted deep down. The distractions and the excuses I made for myself, were partly to blame and my lack of iman made it easy for me to be swayed. I worked hard on trying to get back and tonight I felt I'd returned into the fold... 

Stood alone in the darkness, (yet not) following the imam and prostrated, I felt a sense of belonging, which no place on earth other than in a congregation would I ever feel. For that opportunity to be and repent I am and shall always be grateful.

My journey has just begun, this has been an experience and a reawakening, it's cemented my faith. Yes I'm rough around the edges but I have the rest of my life to aspire and correct! 

I'm not so worried or concerned about screwing up, because I can always try to make amends. I've been hard on myself because I felt I deserved my strife, I needed help to correct myself and Allah SWT heard the whisper in my heart and opened the door for the light to stream in so I could see my way out.

Yes I said a few things that could be risqué, but that was 24 hours ago. I believe that Allah SWT has given me a chance to come back into the fold and I'm happy I've come back. 

There is work to do, i have just rediscovered a beautiful and fulfilling side, that enriches my soul, it's been painful, praying five times a day, then 20 rakat of tarawi for 27 nights and an additional 8-10 rakat at night for the last week but it has had the desired effect. 

3 more nights and days to go...I'm kind of sad to see them ending because it has taught me a lot, I've questioned and they've been answered, not just on the surface but deep... The answers I've got are not wanting in their depth or detail. It is me that has been found to be wanting. 

I want more, to comprehend and relate. I want to dig out my faults and improve. In Shaa Allah, with guidance and support I will achieve my aim.

Thank you Allah SWT for granting me the opportunity to grow spiritually! I'm still the same man, with the same thoughts and opinions, but I feel reinforced from within. I have achieved that which I hoped, I'm becoming a more complete person. Who wouldn't want that!

Day 26.4

Day 26.4

I've been racking my brain about why I don't feel fear the way I should do if I believe in Allah SWT and his messenger.  

I'm trying to understand me in this state of mind, and my answer is simple...

I have faith!

I believe that I will make amends in this life for my sins, because I've always had faith. I'm not a despicable excuse for a human being. I'm not loathsome or hateful. I want to do good as opposed to not!

I have the intention to be of benefit to my community and therefore society as a whole. I want to contribute to the betterment of my country of birth which is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Not the Islamic republic of x y or z! I am a muslim, a proud and sincere exponent of my faith. I love my country and most of all I love Islam! There is no contradiction or conflict for me!

With Allah SWT to guide me, and my heart and soul to drive me, a loving family to support and be supported, then In Shaa Allah I will prevail or die trying!

Doing nothing is not an option for me...

Day 26.3

Day 26.3

So, he whose breast Allah has opened for Islam is (placed) in the light from His Lord (but on the contrary) they whose hearts are hardened because of (being deprived of the Bounty of) Allah’s remembrance (are destined to ruin). It is they who are in open error. It is Allah Who has sent down the best Word, that is a Book whose verses agree to one another (in format and meaning) and are repeated frequently. It sends a hair-raising shudder in the bodies of those who fear their Lord; then their skins and hearts get softened (and they get lost) into the Remembrance of Allah (in a weeping mood). It is Guidance from Allah and He guides with it those whom He pleases. And he whom Allah turns from guidance away (i.e. leaves strayed) has no one to guide him.

Al-Quran, Az-Zumar (39:22,23).

Day 26.2

Day 26.2

Guidance on rights of the disabled in Islam: 

http://sifoundation.m.webs.com/site/mobile#2220

Guidance on treatment of the sick and terminally ill:

http://www.spuc.org.uk/about/muslim-division/euthanasia

Guidance on prayers when sick:

http://muslimcanada.org/fiqhch25.htm

Day 26.1

Day 26.1

I have an unwavering love, respect and appreciation for humanity, the world and all the plants and creatures within it. I'm so lucky to have lived in an age where mankind has made astronomical leaps in science and technology.  We live in an Age of Enlightenment the likes of which has not been seen since the blessed Quran was given to us.

Last night during tahajud there was a man crying whilst in prayer. I understood why, but I asked why was I not crying myself. I feel the mans pain, I now a thing of beauty, I want to feel that hurt and sorrow from hearing the Quran but I feel a blanket of peace and comfort from it. I should feel fear and abject terror for my sins and the wrath of Allah SWT that is due, but I sense love and compassion. 

The almighty gifted humanity with the Quran and the messenger Muhammad SAW. I was adamant I wanted to pray all of tarawi because I'm ashamed to admit I've not heard the Quran being recited for years. To listen to it is sublime in its delicate sophistication, it's rhythm, poetic synchronicity and consistency is astounding. I like to think I can write a poem or two...what I cannot and will not accept is that the fabulously glorious and divinely created Quran is a creation of man! 

I am lucky I heard the athan in my ears shortly after my birth thanks to my father. I can only imagine how adults must have felt when they heard it for the first time when the prophet first recited this truly beautiful book.

I doubt that there is a soul in the world that has not heard an extract from the Quran. Other than the profoundly deaf! For them The Lord will have made provision. The mentally infirm and sick have been provided for as stated in the Quran.

"Whoever meets the needs of his brother, Allah will meet his needs." (Al-Bukhari and Muslim).

He also said: "Show mercy to those on earth, and God will show mercy to you." (At- Tirmithi and Abu Dawud)

{Only the patient will be paid back their reward in full without measure...}* (Az-Zumar 39:10)

http://sifoundation.m.webs.com

Day 26

Day 26

I had a very interesting conversation with an intelligent person between fajr and now. It was a q and a.  It didn't start out as such but it evolved into a long discussion based on my thought processes. 

It stems from several stances. I cannot repeat verbatim because it would compromise privacy. I'm acutely aware of what can be said publicly or privately. 

This diary is very much in the public domain. What I think at this time, how my thoughts and faith are evolving, being reinforced, or not, is there for all to see, to glean and interpret. 

First and foremost is this. It does not matter to me what you may or may not think. I have no influence over your thoughts or actions any more than you have over mine. 

This is my journey, my experience and I chose to share it...nothing I have said or will say is calculated to project anything to you, it's a document of me, my thoughts and opinions on a given topic at a particular point in time...

If I'm alive years from now and able to look back at this, I will be giving a true account of what I experienced during this time. It will not be smoke and mirrors to deceive or contrive to project a falsehood of any sort. It's just a depiction of my experience as it happened. 

Whether this is right or wrong is for you the reader, which includes me...

It's been pointed out that my references to temptation are like they are an every day occurrence. No it is not. This Ramadan is a totally new experience to this depth and adherence in my entire adult life. What I am doing is comparing and contrasting a lifetime of experiences and understanding,  to this totally new experience. I have experienced Ramadan  before and I have fasted before, that is not the issue, what is the issue is how I am experiencing it now. 

My references  to past temptation are a culmination and synthesis of a lifetime of experience condensed and referred to in the context of one period. It might read and sound like an every day thing but it's not.

There is an issue with openness and privacy at hand here, I'm open enough to discuss my thoughts and feelings about here and now, and contrast with generic experiences of a lifetime of my own and vicariously of others whom shall always remain anonymous.   

This is my disclaimer if you like!

This is a diary, it's a personal journey which I've chosen to share because I wanted to, and as such it speaks from my personal perspective. There is no spin, there is no political or social objective. If however, people will gain an insight into my faith, my understanding of faith, my own frailties and misconceptions regarding the faith and my development of understanding then so be it.

This is primarily a tool for me to understand me, now and in the future. So I can look back and say, wow was I that naive? Was I that stupid? It could come back to haunt me, most things that we think or feel or say, don't, but in some cases they can; if there was something racist, sexist or elitist, I'd have cause for concern. As it stands there isn't! 

There may be holes in my understanding but they will quickly become apparent once I've read it back after a break. It's as much a learning curve for me as it is for you possibly! 

I have never said I know all the answers, I have never said I proclaim to hold he moral high ground...in writing about my own temptation, I thought it would highlight that more. I'm not a preacher with the answers I'm a minion in search of greater understanding; I would gladly cede to those with greater knowledge and understanding if they read this and take issue with my rationale. As long as they can correct me, I'd be grateful...better to be corrected than to go through life with a skewed or incorrect understanding of a subject! 

Back to temptation, what have I said that's so bad? Nothing really! I'm just pointing out one thing. Despite my growing love and respect for my faith, I'm not so sure that I will never fall into the trap of temptation again. That would be setting myself up to fail. It's a challenge that I'm not so sure I could win...it's not about winning or losing, it's about me accepting my limits and boundaries; acknowledging that I'm still a work in progress. The problem with temptation is they're exactly that. Being human, full of frailties, inconsistencies and contradictions I'd be a fool to say I'm beyond screwing up. It's more likely that I will than not!  It's not an admission it's an acknowledgment of the potential. When in the past I succumb to temptation, I enjoyed, I will regret the day, because the punishments for some are quite detailed. I knew of the punishment way back when. I was asked, do I repent sincerely? I would have to say I'm not sure. Why? Because I enjoyed it! I can regret, but could I say I repent... If I repented

that would seem to suggest I will never do it again. Am I strong enough to resist temptation? Are any of us? I will admit to myself that I'm not so sure! I can only say I will try...but I enjoyed it, I'm not disgusted. I should be, should I hate myself, should I flail myself in repentance.  This isn't the Spanish Inquisition... This is me being honest to myself. If I can't be honest to myself then to whom can I be honest! Certainly not my creator Allah SWT, the creator of all the seen and unseen! He knew it anyway, it was in my heart...I just shared it with you and by default with me! 

Weeks, months or years from now ill know that this is how I thought and felt at this time. I will then be able to compare this with how I feel then, in an honest and open manner!

If you don't like it, it's not my problem, I have enough of my own already, I need to tend to my own house before I think about let alone try to fix anyone else!

Time to get some sleep!

Good morning x

Day 25.2

Day 25.2

I just read something interesting, not because it was enriching or entertaining. More so because it was about the feelings and the psyche of a particular type of person. 

They refer to fundamentalist Islam being a threat to civilisation on one hand but then bandy all Muslims as a potential threat on another. All Muslims are not fundamentalist.

This refers back to how people are so ill informed about Islam. Even Muslims themselves. 

Humanity was created differently in size, height, colour and weight among others so we could come to know each other. 

Humanity has grown more because of the differences. The differences should be celebrated not feared.  

I was surprised to read about a view from a respected actor about Islam and Muslims. A so called educated man of the world, but then again, his right wing views are not uncommon amongst his generation and demographic. 

The overriding message I glean from Islamic teaching is to focus on your personal relationship with the almighty, focus on your self, inner and outer, focus on becoming a better human being, give charity, take care of your family, friends and neighbours.  conduct business with honour and fairness, do not swindle, connive or cheat. Concern yourself with the hereafter. At no point have I seen, read or heard that you are allowed to force your views on anyone!

The message will be heard by those that wish to hear it. It's easy to take things out of context and bandy  them about as typical. It doesn't help when people who have a so called understanding of Islam from practising it claim the moral high ground. 

Anyone who claims exclusivity on the moral high ground has no morals at all...it's not exclusive to any faith creed, culture or society! 

This month of Ramadan has reinforced my understanding of Islam, I have no conflict with the world, I have a conflict with myself. I need to overcome the conflict within me. That will occupy me till the day I die. If we all focussed on ourselves as we should do, and our own conduct, we wouldn't have the time to worry about anyone else. 

What is the conflict within me? The same as every person of faith, resist temptation.  Worship the almighty, conduct oneself appropriately, do not hasten the end of days, moreover hope that your days have ended before they come. Live your life as best as you can, be humane and decent, do not descend to barbarity and savagery in any form. 

Anyone claiming to do that in the name of God has no sane case to make...it's a ruse to justify an unsound mind or conviction. Live and let live. Freedom to choose is exactly that...freedom to choose, even if it means people choose not to!!!

Focus on oneself!