WaAllahi I've got to day 10. I'm fed watered and prayed...till zuhr at-least.
What be the topic today...well during tarawi a thought crossed my mind, it was how much sawab or good deeds I've missed out on by not praying regularly and all those Ramadan months I've missed. I'm in for some real punishment.
I don't know for sure but I will do a stint in hell for missing so much. Not just for the lack of prayers but for the things I did instead. There are some things for which there be no mitigation. Tauba is the word.
I'm not the only one, but that isn't any comfort really. I have only myself to blame. There is nothing I can say to you that can remotely give me an edge at all. Ill feel some pain I know that much.
I've partied with the best or worst of them, I had fun, I did it for years, there is no escaping the fact I knew it was not Islamic but I did it anyway. In my heart if hearts, those experiences have helped shape me, even though I was doing wrong.
So what can I expect for all my transgression...
There are Surah's that we're supposed to recite to protect us in the grave, from being consumed by snakes, from a beating by two angels with their compassion removed, there is a cup of fire to drink for every sip of liquor for those that have, there are a few more, these are just the things I remember.
That kind of makes it worse for me, having been a muslim and still transgressed. I'm worse than a kufar because I'd heard the message, accepted it and then went the other way. A kufar who lives a life of hedonism and all sorts who accepts Islam starts with a clean slate. No confession for me and however many hail Mary's to receive absolution. My limbs are going to testify against me on the day of judgement!
I talk about it calmly, on occasion I have been known to get a shiver down my spine. I've been haunted by my past, and things I could've done differently. I have one saving grace. I'm not on my death bed... I have life, thankfully, I have a mind, I have health, I have the intention to make things right.
There is no one but me to answer for my sins. I've got no corner in which to hide, I will be judged, my sentence will be meted out. Ill either be toasting for a while or for eternity...as of now I have little or no expectation of paradise, I've not done enough, it's not about the quantity or gravity of sins, no, it's the absence of adherence that I fear is my worst...
There are very detailed punishments for sins, I will detail them as I find them.
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