Well well well...it would appear that I'm on a roll, the days are just passing by. I'm in a routine. I feel the hunger, it simmers but I'm not ravenous. What really throws me is the lack of sleep. By the time I get back from the mosque, it's 12.45 am, I don't feel sleepy, not until 2 am but sehri ends after 3 am when you pray fajr then sleep.
It's between two and three am that I feel it. Some occasions I've had a little nap but it makes me feel like a zombie. That's when I just eat because I have to and I know I'll feel it during the day if I don't.
There is a weakness in my muscles but they're still functioning, it reminds me of running before the days of isotonic drinks. I know Im eating into fat reserves and there is a lack of carbs to fuel my journey.
I guess I could go for a run, I could push myself harder, I could run myself to the point of near exhaustion, I have in the past. To what end, I could collapse and be shaking for need of sustenance. I think it best to take it easy, two weeks of a restricted diet has had an effect.
How do I feel spiritually; I feel good, I feel content, I feel relaxed, I'm not concerned, I'm worry free, why should I worry, even though you could say I have cause to. My financial future isn't that great as of now but who knows how things will pan out. I have a plan, I am working towards it, I'm looking into avenues. There's no rush, well there is but, I can't make things happen at a whim, be calm, be considered, be focussed, be strategic, work to a plan, and things should be fine. The rest is kismet!
In the run up to Ramadan I was under intense stress, some very serious decisions were made, that have long term effects, I was still in fall out mode, I detached myself from it because it was a welcome relief. I was chained to a situation that I had lost or felt the need to as it had become a liability and not an asset.
Ramadan arrived at the right time, it allowed me to recharge, reevaluate, reconsider my personal being, which to an extent I may have lost sight of, from a certain standpoint.
Some of you non believers will say in times of strife people turn to religion because they're emotionally wasted, they seek a higher power to provide solace when all is lost. The problem with a non believer is they cannot empathise with a believer. How can they possibly know what a believer feels because they cannot feel it.
I feel a sense of peace and tranquility in myself, in a mosque, a church and a synagogue. I always have... In response to a non believers premise. I can only speak for myself, why do I have faith, it's because I've always had it, even when I didn't practice, I always knew I would return, it's something you have inside you. Being emotionally wasted is part of life, I've been on an emotional roller coaster for all of my life, it's not something I'm unused to. I'm not wasted by it but I have got wasted at times.
People use mechanisms to deal with their reality, the reality of modern life is difficult, there a a myriad of choices we make every day, my choices have brought me here, I have always maintained an ethical way of dealing with people, situations and circumstances. The root of those decisions have been made as a result of my faith.
On the occasions that I've made some real howlers of mistakes, of which there have been a few, has been when I have not been true to myself or my faith. My personality is underpinned by my faith.
There isn't a day that has passed when I haven't thought about the almighty. I am glad I have. I have not been an unscrupulous or unethical conniving thief of a trickster, I know who I owe and exactly what I owe. I also know who owes me, to add to that I'm owed far more than I owe.
It doesn't bother me, I'm quite content with who I am. What I am doing, how I intend to go about doing it. I know exactly what I am. I have not always, but faith has alway been a part of me. I'm grateful to have had faith. I never turned to faith when it got tough. It has always been tough. I turned away from practising my faith, but my faith never left me.
If the foundation of a person is set in bedrock, then no matter what calamity hits the building on the surface, I can always rebuild on those foundations. The building above is only weather damaged, it's structurally sound. Wallahi!
So it might be a shack and not a palace, ill have the palace in the heavens over a palace here all day. It's undergoing a refurb. Who knows what it will be.
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