From the point of view of a non-practising muslim to a full practising muslim in Ramadan, this diary will document the changes that occur within the holy month, and describe the experiences during the process.
In the days and weeks running up to the holy month of Ramadan I was swamped with thoughts, pressures and stresses of modern day life. I'd had to make some major decisions which had led to my resignation of a job which mapped my life out for a significant period.
With all this change and the attempt to reconfigure oneself , professional aims and aspirations, relationship woes, family concerns and the usual financial implications of leaving a job, suffice to say there was a lot going on.
When being pulled from pillar to post, contending with views and opinions of trusted individuals some of whom said, pray, observe the month of Ramadan, see what happens, I felt in my heart, will Allah SWT accept my supplications? Is it not out of personal greed for an easier life, that one turns toward the almighty, when things are tough? Am I doing this for me when I should be doing it for Allah SWT?
These were the kind of questions I was fielding in my head.
The questions were also excuses to reinforce my doubts about my ability to fast, they are 18 hours long, the praying 5 times a day is something I've never done for a prolonged stint. I have forgotten the intricacies and procedures, it's been years since I last tried.
Leading up to the day before Ramadan I still had these questions flying in my head, then I looked at my mum, and I had a chat with my nephew and I thought, let me do this, I can do this, I want to do this, I need to do this, it's an experience I've yet to fully throw myself into, I want to have this in my life, I want to be a Muslim. I know what it's like to be a non-practising muslim, I've being doing that for years, remind yourself what it's like to be a practising muslim.
On the eve of Ramadan 2013 I arranged to meet my nephews at the local mosque to begin the journey. I got to the mosque like many others just as ishaa prayers had begun, I joined the back of the prayer group and said my intention and began to pray.
Firstly it was nice, comfortable, familiar, and peaceful, to be standing in prayer with men who you don't know. But there is a camaraderie a sense of belonging that you feel, it's not uncomfortable at all. Being born raised and educated in Britain, I've been in circumstances where British reserve in certain circles would feel a little uncomfortable in this, rubbing shoulders with complete strangers, the thing is they're not, they're there to do the same thing as you, pray to the almighty and pray for forgiveness and obtain peace in oneself.
Let me clarify, I'm quite capable of dealing with the trials of life, negotiate my way through the pitfalls, the stresses, the angst of others, accommodating deficiencies of others as well as my own.
Those of you out there who say religion is for people who cannot cope with the realities of life, so they seek solace in a fictitious deity to make themselves feel better, I challenge you to research your hypothesis by actually practicing to see if you could handle it.
Back to the eve, feeling the affinity but not so much but still a few doubts about whether I could complete this journey I opened my heart to the almighty and entered into a dialogue with him. Whilst listening and reciting the prayer at the given times, bowing and sitting at the given times, I began to speak.
Sorry Allah SWT for taking so long to come back to you, I have had my doubts and woes, I have had so much on my plate, I could've always have made time for you, you know I've had you in my heart, but I've let circumstance and my own personal wants needs, and greeds, get in the way. I would like to come back to you and I have my doubts whether I have the strength to do it through the whole months but I hope you will provide me with the strength and the companionship to get me through this.
This was the sentiment I conveyed during my prayers and then I just continued to pray 20 raqat. Upon finishing, I was greeted by my nephew who was behind me to tell me my other two nephews were downstairs waiting.
When we got home, rested a little then prepped some food, ate, prayed fajar and headed off to bed.
Since waking up this morning I've been writing this diary. I hope to add to it throughout the holy month of Ramadan to share with anyone who wishes to read.
Thank you and Ramadan Mubarak.
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